Sunday, 24 January 2010

The key to social peace!

(above: Omar Pedro Mendez from the town of China, TX was a person really prone to get lost wherever he went. That's why he was tattooed a world map up his bum in order to end with his problem and demonstrate a theory of his that claimed a man could see his own back if he spins fast enough)

Even more people now is concerned that something is wrong with social climate. Loads of people in the big cities feel themselves as a tiny part of a meaningless mob and, as a consequence, irritation arises modifying and breaking the mentioned social climate. Nothing makes the difference among one another as an individual in this dull lifestyle. We all look like and act the same all the time.

For this reason, philanthrope me, I have stumbled upon a definite and easy solution that will certainly amend part of this sensation of uniformity so present in our cities: tattoos. I don't mean ordinary tattoos with ordinary motifs but DYNAMIC TATTOOS.

What are dynamic tattoos? Dynamic tattoos are changing, personalised and funny -rather wacky- tattoos that will make you complete difference from any other individual around you and will be the perfect combination for your individual self-identity. There you go some examples:

If you're called, for instance, Nigel Fitzcharles and you work as a writer in a top-shelf magazine:

- Tattoo on your right bum cheek the word 'ink'. Your 'dynamism' will consist in, every time you bend over, 'ink' will turn into 'oink'. Therefore, from the moment you show the dynamic tattoo in public on you'll be known as Nigel 'The One Who Writes Dirty Things As His Bottom Claims' Fitzcharles.

Or if you're called Adolf Goldberg and nobody remembers your name:

- Tattoo on your bum* Adolf Hitler. Your 'dynamism' will consist in, every time you bend over, your Hitler up your bottom will shout 'woooooOOOOO!'. Therefore, from the moment you show the dynamic tattoo in public on you'll be known as Adolf 'The Ironically-named Jew Who Laughs At His Own Roots' Goldberg.

You don't have to thank me for this brilliant idea. Just make a film based on my life in which Antonio Banderas plays as me.

*Actually, you can have your dynamic tattoo somewhere else. However, the 'dynamism' is less funny.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'I myself have a tattoo. It's on my chest. It says 'Neil Kinnock for Prime Minister rules!'.'

Friday, 22 January 2010

Top 5 rejection reasons from the opposite sex -female-.

(above: 'What do you mean by that? 'Maybe'?')

To the last girl that has rejected me, who unfortunately for her family and relatives, is still among us.


Being rejected by anyone from the opposite sex is always hard to get over due to reasons that are plentiful in abstract nouns I don't understand. However, like Jean-Baptiste Lamarck stated: 'the over-function of an organ makes an improved new organ to balance it out'. What's my point in that, then? My point in there is that one has been so many times rejected that now I don't appreciate the bitterness of rejection anymore but the originality in the reasons of rejection.
This is why my last experience was so bad: she didn't give any reasons at all. Probably, she might work as a magician: 'Alright, trust me. There was no rabbit in the hat before. You have such a tiny brain to understand it. Trust me anyway'.

And now, the best reasons. There we go. T-T-T-TOP 5, BRIIIIING IT ON!

'I'm rejecting you because...'

5- '... you were listening to Ricky Martin'. Unintentional but fair.

4- '... yesterday I saw you in front of a day-care centre naked from the waist down and wearing a kaki-coloured trench coat claiming you had some sweets for my 4-year-old brother. Stay away from me'. Such a superficial interpretation of what I actually did. Read between the lines...

3- '... you have a protection from harassment order of a mile'. It was my second go. By the way, a mile is 52 mm, isn't it?

2- '... I'm a man'. 2 lessons from that: always wear glasses or lenses and women's clothing doesn't assure you a woman in there. It's also known as the 'Kinder Surprise effect': you unwrap it and there is a present waiting for you to be assembled.

1- '... now my husband is an MP'. Adaptation from Quim Monzó, 2010.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'I myself have never been rejected by anybody. Every time anyone wants to tell me his opinion on me I shout before 'I don't like you! I'm leaving you!' just in case.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Sí, señor, me be intreegated!

(above: onanismus vulgus or common w***** during their mating season -always-)
*FAKE LATIN ALERT* (oh, whatever, nobody cares. It's a humourous licence. Oh, really? Yes. Is it like this how you justify your ignorance? err... Look there, an UFO!)

Dear readers, I failed to you and the country where I'm living:
I failed to you in various aspects. First, in terms of your daily dose of digital drug I could not fulfil this week. And second, and most importantly, while I was reading the papers a long time ago, I stumbled upon this: Brits are the ugliest, says.

When I first read the article, I couldn't care less about this social network and its opinion based on scientific evidences. Afterwards, I felt quite curious about this website and a week ago I filled up an application to get in.

In order to get in, people from the opposite sex -in my case, women- vote your application positively or negatively according to your face, not for your knowledge in Ancient Greece, Politics or Molecular Biology, for obvious reasons related to the average IQ of the membership. The thing is that I got in. SHAME ON ME!

'Why? Ain't I happy to be in?', says confused my ego.

NO! Just when I thought I was well integrated into the British society apart from some minor details -I'm a tax dodger, I relief myself on the street at broad daylight and I'm not making any effort to learn the language, to mention some- now it comes I'm beautiful... and that's it. Nobody asked me if I like tea or getting pissed until throwing my guts up, just asked me for a photo, which by the way was approximately as follows:

*: Photo might not be that... or might

In short, I'm further from my full integration in this country. A country that, incidentally, couldn't care less about physical aspect. Actually, they don't give a shite as soon as it is in lieu of a proper good time.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Of course there are fit people in the islands... look at Posh and Becks. Alright, I'll shut up."

PS (in Catalan): Si algú entén això, pot i vol fer-ho, que li digui al pallasso d'en Jaïr Domínguez que m'enviï una invitació per poder llegir el seu blog:

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Top 5 quotes that traumatised a fat but nevertheless tall teenager

(above: "... and this is how little rhinos are born, my son." "was it utterly necessary to be THIS graphic, dad?" "was it utterly necessary to hide a recording camera inside the trough, my son?") 

"I've got a lot of friends in Facebook. I've got fewer acquaintances. And I've got even fewer friends. Therefore being a friend of mine is very exclusive."

This quote, which sounds like a Hindu thinker's or a 8-year-old girl's, is mine. Looks nice, innit? The thing is that you have to be consequent with your own quotes with small improvements each day. This is why, at the end of this post I myself will make being a friend of mine a bit more exclusive.

The other day -usually, when somebody starts an idea like this, is sheer deception- I was talking to a friend of mine -usually, when somebody refers to 'a friend of mine' with any further details, is just himself hiding from a very likely future humiliation- who used to be fatter and taller than usual during our teenagehood and he told me a lot of secrets concerning this traumatising stage of his life. As my purpose in this post is having less friends, I'm going to tell the most shocking quotes he received in a now-usual-in-this-blog-and-copyrighted Top 5 (c) way.

5- 'The bee flew to a flower, it stung the flower and then you were born' (This far from scientifically valid metaphor and Internet made him understand the whole idea).

4- 'You're so tall that when you eat a yogurt and it reaches the stomach it's already gone off' (He told me afterwards: 'The one who said this was so short that he ate my processed food, that is to say, poo made out of rotten yogurt. Not as subtle but at least he doesn't get as many nutrients as I did eating yogurt').

3- 'You're so fat that... YOU FAT COW!' (At this point, you could notice the one who said this was creatively running out of innovative ideas. He now is a successful Hollywood scriptwriter).

2- 'Hey, class! Look at him! He's got boobs!' (Never asked him what exactly was a Physical Education teacher doing inside a changing room full of underage boys).

1- 'Where's your girlfriend? What? You still don't have one. I see. (...) Boy, be honest with me... do you like Village People?' (His mother just wanted to make sure his son is enjoying those drama lessons).

Done. Now being a friend of mine is even more exclusive.

THE WELSH PATIENT: "My most traumatising sentence was when I was 17 with my father in Thailand. He said: 'Son, he is a man'."

Friday, 8 January 2010

Ice, ice, baby!

(above: indeed, I hate 90% of stuff related with ice. The remaining 10% is that film called Ice Wide Shut by Stanley Kubrick.) 

Today's post contains certain amounts of social critique, witty comments and Victorian literature as well as -in larger amounts- demagogy, swearwords, explicit references to drugs, flashing lights and X-Factor jury.

According to BBC News: 'Snoooooooow!!!! Yeeepee!!!! Afghanistan? What you on about? IT'SNOOOOOOWIN!'

However, this snow has turned into ice due to some climatic factors I do ignore and, therefore, now walking down the street has turned into a dead-or-alive matter. I myself have been close to death today several times as a consequence of the slippery surface of the pavement.

This is why today I have come across my life in photos several times, too. Nevertheless, since I belong to a Facebook-junkie generation , my life was composed such as a Facebook photo album where there were comments on photos I uploaded or I was tagged throughout the years. My most relevant pre-death mental Facebook photo album comments were the following.

- 'Mufasaaaaaa!' (At a pic of me crying while watching The Lion King)
- 'me mum says i aint fat, i'm strong and ave thick bones' (At a pic of me & my friends when I was a pre-teenager and a bit overfed).
- 'this is soo oonfair. i hate ya!' (At a pic of me & my parents when my face looked like a pizza with extra pepperoni)
- 'hehe.i'm moe.LOL' (At a pic of me tagged at a random face of a Simpsons character).
- 'charlie's angels!!! LMAO' (At a pic of me and my ambiguous friends before discovering our actual sexuality).
- 'ya biatch! just let u know mine is average size! c***!' (At a pic of me & my ex-girlfriend).
- 'thats not me...' (At a pic of me tagged in a very similar face to mine but obviously he's not me).
- 'hehe. i'm apu. LOL' (At a pic of me tagged at another random face of a Simpsons character added by another friend of mine).
This horrible experience made me think seriously about life, as a result I came up with a metaphor that sums all my ponderation up: life is like a window, when there is a lot of light you roll down the blinds just unlike your dreams, which are like milk because the cow... what a sh**e of a metaphor. Anyway, forget that. I've never been good at poetry -suffering from tuberculosis at 25 have never turned me on as a lifestyle-.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "I once was an important businessman. I set up a company that manufactured best-selling ice cream flavours all around the world and Warwickshire. Some of our best-known flavours were human poo ice cream and milkman ice cream. Not to mention our delicatessen: chartered accountant ice cream. Caprice de dieux, which in French means, Crap ice of two (ice cream balls, obviously)".