(above: and now, a bit of jim morrison's magnificent poetry. 'roses are purple. violets are orange. shit, I'm colourblind...')
Dear sufferers of this terrible mental condition called having 20/20 vision and having to wear glasses,
God knows, and South Wales Police by extension, that I like to hang around local primary schools and colleges in a trench coat and give my business cards away to the underage children of this very Celtic nation. My purpose is to convince those children to add me on Facebook (please) so I can carry out a sociological study about online habits amongst children aged 7-17. At least that's what I said in court.
Regardless of the actuality of this study, I drew some conclusions around this issue and I would like to discuss one them with you readers. This one I am talking about is one of the most certain and empirical of all I drew and reads as follows: Western kids are going to burn in hell and foreigners are taking our jobs and our women. But let us just focus on the first bit.
We all, more or less, have got a rough idea of what hell is - if not, we've all been in Magaluf. Well, imagine a world where everyone speaks rotten (American) English and is an irreversible victim of passive-aggressive behaviour. In case you don't know, passive-aggressive behaviour is the one that is produced by personal insecurity and manifests itself through being late, sulking, victimising and becoming a Liberal Democrat.
Children, stop bursting the pimples on your face and listen to me. Now I'm going to list 4 ways NOT to get a partner, which seems to be your major concern right now, and NOT to burn in hell along with Hitler, Stalin and JFK:
1- 'Liking' Facebook groups with spelling mistakes on their titles which can make you go blind (forget w***ing, this is far worse) in order to indirectly let someone else know what you are thinking about at the moment.
2- Quoting people whom you only read their Wikipedia articles, i.e.: Kurt Cobain, Mahatma Gandhi, Jim Morrison, John Lennon or Jimi Hendrix (yes, you should spell his name as such).
3- Display your knowledge of the lyrics in 'Smells like teen spirit', 'Wonderwall', 'Stairway to heaven', 'Bittersweet symphony' and 'Imagine'.
4- Using Justin Bieber or similar disgraces who live far far away from where you live as an excuse to avoid closer problems of yours, i.e.: your musical ignorance, your GCSEs or boys/girls paying not enough/too much attention to you.
You are welcome. Don't say anything, just stop sending me invitations to Mafia Wars (please).
THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'If any day I decide to leave this world, remember me as a hurricane Irene survivor. Never forget (that I was spending the weekend in Aberystwyth).'