Saturday, 27 November 2010

Demystifying biographies: Yoko Ono

(above: UTTER FRAUD. these blokes kept impersonating the glorious Mancunians all throughout their career. the one in the bottom right thought he was the reincarnation of Liam Gallagher... keep off the dope, man.)

Yoko Ono.

If we ask the man in the street - or the woman on the roof - about this Nipponese character and her contribution to Western culture, he is bound to answer that she is remarkably the one who made the Plastic Ono Band go down the drain. Though other more well-informed people will tell you the she also breached his husband's musical formation: The Bitless or summat.

I'm afraid that everyone missed the point of that woman. Everyone think that she got on the gravy train when she married musician Jack Lemon and started to use her undeserved fame to start ruining random bands, sadly including her own. Music lovers around the globe thought the Plastic Ono Band had plenty more to give to culture. Nevertheless, this is simply untrue. Mrs. Lemon-Ono was born with the gift of musical proficiency and made the Plastics one of the most successful bands of its age. But the days of Ono's band were coming to an end.

It all started in a massive gig in Milton Keynes (Middleoff***ingnowhereshire, England). She was performing an outstanding act of her best-known hit (a cappella version here). During the 9-minute bass solo, the bassist, whose name can be done without, started to slap the 4 strings with his knob and unfortunately electrocuted himself and passed out for several months. Did I mention it was raining and that enhanced the conductivity between the bass and his knob? Well, it was raining. Naturally, the gig was cancelled for obvious reasons.

After this, zillions of fans were concerned about the future of the Plastic Ono Band. The band couldn't do without the bassist whose name can be done without. For that reason, Yoko was forced to hire a new bassist temporarily. She called for an audition to look for a new bassist. Response was multitudinous. However, every contender was 3 times worse than the previous one.

Eventually, when they were about to throw in the towel and announce the discontinuation of the band, like in an American film, an old lady sneaked in the audition room, picked the 4-string chopper and started slapping it all over the place wickedly. She was left-handed: Yoko and her Medieval mind saw that as an asset to identify the band with Satan and immediately hired her without thinking it twice.

With this new left-handed bassist, the Plastic Ono Band completed a more than successful tour around Anglesey (North-West Wales), selling out every single ticket for each gig. The new bassist was now completely integrated into the band and now they let her make decisions for the band. This was a fatal mistake.

Before a gig at a centre for people with mental diseases in Scarborough, the old lady suggested Yoko to play their top hit with an ukulele instead of an acoustic guitar on the basis that the ukulele would give a more exotic approach to the song. Unfortunately, Yoko acceded. So Yoko went up to the stage with the ukulele attached to her. The cheering audience became silent all of a sudden. Unknowingly, Yoko tuned the first riffs for her top hit. The audience started to boo her loud.

Yoko was confused but then she realised. The ukulele was the instrument used to offend people with mental diseases. An evil laughter came from behind. It was that old lady who played the bass. IT TURNED OUT TO BE PETER MCKENNA, the bassist for the other band she is accused to break up, the Meatles or summit, and who played with his husband.

Local musical press began to slag her band off very harshly and then she quitted.

Yoko Ono is currently very busy being a fraud in the visual arts.

Peter McKenna, proud of his action, still today dresses like an old lady.

*Names have been subtly modified in order not to face sexual action from the solicitors of the people involved*

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "I own a bass; it's called Red Iosif in honour to my moustache hero: Iosif Stalin"

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

The Erasmus discourse

(above: "iiiiiin ma countrrrry I get lotta woman in ma beeed! I do'now why I do no get woman here" well... it might be because you are not used to the language)

Recently I have been making an effort by mixing with some people from overseas in an exchange programme. No, don't worry. I just have been doing so for one single scientific reason: I was researching whether the claims of having sexual intercourse more often than average by those people were true or not.

Results were: obviously not.

However, during my deep and professional research I stumbled upon something which was far more interesting than that, because such intercourse can be seen every afternoon on Discovery Channel. And it was that during their period abroad, exchange students develop a strange mechanism that allow them to make whatever they want and get away with. After a few relieving teas (the new official name for w***s), my team of researchers, i.e. myself and a real-size cardboard cut-out of Simon Cowell, came up with the name of such phenomenon: THE ERASMUS DISCOURSE.

The Erasmus discourse consists of a simple linguistic formula that plays with the cultural ignorance of the interlocutor and allow the user of this technique get away with whichever bollocks he or she (or most often it) just have done. The formula goes as follows:

ED = In my country (or The name of such country) + is typical to + bollocks you have done + because in my country if you (bollocks you have done in passive) + positive consequences of such bollocks

Country = Spain
Bollocks to be got away with = Burp on a lady's face
Positive consequences = You must get laid with that person for that night

ED = In my country (Spain) is typical to burp on a lady's face because in my country, if you are burped on your face, you must get laid with that person for that night.

The most common usage of the Erasmus discourse is to get away with the most bizarre actions ever known to man and ask the other person to go to bed with them, basically. SO THAT'S WHERE THE MYTH (I BUSTED) COMES FROM!

I am still waiting for a call from the Royal Swedish Academy...

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "In my country is typical to carry kidnapped women in a wheelbarrow because in my country if you are kidnapped and carried in a wheelbarrow, you must be offered to the gods in a pagan ceremony"

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Revisiting the genius

(above: for the very first time in this blog, the opening picture is IRRELEPHANT to the post)

Most of the time, I come up with things, I write them down and I rarely read them again. Today it has been one of these rare occasions.

The following bits are part of the scripts I used to write for an actual radio show last year. More precisely, the advice I used to give to the audience at the end of every show.

'This week's advice is: if a foreign tourist comes to you and ask you for a direction, even though he might be saying the right words, pretend not to understand him or her until he doesn't get the proper accent. English is a language that you learnt by heart, foreigners are no exception. That's called DE-MO-CRA-CY'

'My advise for this week is: if you want to flirt with German exchange students, don’t bother learning German language, boast about your knowledge in German history. Try to mention at least once in every sentence facts about Nazism. Germans love it when some foreigner knows that much about history of their own country. Trust me. That’s called Multiculturalism.'

'And now, as usual, I give some advice to the country, but this time, because we are doing the Christmas Special, I’m forced to give my advice to the children in the nation. Children, now it’s Christmas and I’m pretty sure that you want as many presents as you want. The best way to get loads of them is by being insistent about it. Don’t take a ‘no’ for an answer. Shout out loud, cry in the middle of the street, insult your parents and hit your younger brother. Only this way you’ll get your beloved presents. You need to have your ideas 100% clear; otherwise, adults just will keep you telling what to do every time. Children: shout, cry, insult and hit. You shall be rewarded'

'My advice for this week is: please insult elderly people. They’ll love it. Particularly when you are discussing different points of view in politics or religion. Shout at them and say things like ‘Shut up, scum’. Do it. The world will be a much better place.'

'People of God's nation, don’t waste your time going to the library. Library is for has-beens. If you want to read something interesting and cultivating, why not reading The Sun or The Daily Mail? By doing that, not only you’ll become intelligent but also informed people aware of what really is important to this country's fate. Did you know that Cheryl Cole has dyed her hair platinum? Did you not? That’s because you go to the library. Believe me.'

Can you see a pattern in this advice? Indeed: truthfulness.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'Some people say Ringo Starr is the annoying Beatle. Well, they're wrong! McCartney looks like my nan and, since they stopped releasing new solo material, Lennon and Harrison have had some serious issues with their body odour'

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Top 5 statements during the student riots at Millibank Tower

(above: 'I say, let me go. I have got a seminar on Baroque Art in half an hour. Oh, blind me, this is rather inconvenient, I say.')

The riots perpetrated by students at the Conservative Campaign Headquarters in Millibank Tower, London will make international news for sure. And we all know how international journalists are: 'I might be French and my armpit smells wrong but Brits are slightly worse than us', 'I am Italian and I shag underage girls but Brits are not as good as they used to be' or 'We the Spanish are a bit promiscuous, ignorant, loud, lazy arses... I forgot, what was the point again?' are going to be the headlines tomorrow in these various countries.

On the other hand, though, they will miss the whole point of it: the memorable quotes put forward by university students, the intellectual elite of the country of God, during that riot:

5- "It is so UNFAIR!" (He should be appointed as the president of the Debate Society in his university)
4- "Fascist-a pigs-a! My-a money-a!" (This student comes from a countryside region where there is loads of far-right swine... Italy?)
3- "Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Out, out, out!" (This one is a miner from Doncaster who has been frozen for 25 years)
2- "And then I chundered everywhere" (Crates of Stella Artois are more of a priority than tuition fees. Obv.)
1- "Please, would you kindly leave the premises? These antics are despicable and POINTLESS." (Indeed. He is an Oxbridge student)


THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Sticks and stones may break bones, but students break party headquarters"