Saturday, 20 August 2011

Dat sir

(above: anthony evans, aka tone-e, from monmouthshire (38) was a part-time shelf stacker at his local asda and devoted his spare time to his most beloved hobby - rap music. yesterday, he was found dead in a nearby forest after receiving a lightning impact. it is believed the lightning was attracted by his brand-new iron teeth soaked by the heavy rain. at the moment of his death he was recording the video clip for his latest single 'rappin' under a tree - feat. pitbull'. unfortunately, pitbull suffered no injuries or death whatsoever.)

Dear occasional onanists,

I acknowledge I have been away for quite a while, but this summer has been an eventful one. In July, I was too busy being drunk in Lloret de Mar whilst a crew from BBC3 was following me around along with my parents, and earlier this month, I was working hard in northeast London to provide my illegitimate ginger mulatto children with the life and future they deserve - i.e. 32'' plasma TV sets, Adidas tracksuit bottoms, Toblerones from Poundland and some tongue scrapers from Boots. So, now that I do have some spare time on my hands, I am going to present you with these lunatic asylum scratches of mine before the owner of this here cybercafé realises I am not wearing any clothes from the waist down.

Today, I would like to discuss over the topic of politeness and age. Often I hear war veterans who, when they are not yelling at pigeons and feeding bread crumbs to passers-by who tell them not to yell at the pigeons, shout indiscreetly at anyone below the age of 50: 'Bloody youth! Be less polite! I was in the 'Nam, for Christ's sake! I'm an exclamation mark bitch!'. Apart from the fact that the closest he has ever been to Vietnam is Colchester, I could not agree more.

The youth today is too polite. And I could and will prove it with facts. Two weeks ago I happened to be about to set fire to a JD shop when this 12-year-old kid came to me with a massive smirk on his face and told me: 'Excuse me, sir. Can I get some fire, please?' what do you mean by 'sir', wee man?! I'm 20! I could give you a cuddle in the nude and it would still be legal! And also, a couple more things I'd like to tell you: it's 'can I have', you oompa-loompa in miniature! You're not in America! And the answer is 'no, you can't have any fire', you shouldn't smoke at this tender age.

Of course, I did not actually tell him off. I kept it all in my head, for one has got poise - I painted his face black with a burnt cork, cuffed him and gave him away to the English Defence League.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'I used to be a member of the EDL, but then I realised that I was neither English nor a mentally challenged monkey'

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant! My gintonic (consisting in an harmonic mixture of French gin and Spanish made tonic water) has just taken off due to an unvoluntary impulse of my right arm produce by an espasm of laughter originated by the reading of your post. Today, after a complete stay at Marineland (an aquatic park basically attended by lost half-drunk foreigners and "quillos" with pedigree) a touch of common sense is like a chunk of fresh air.
    Una abraçada (a hug)!!