Democracy for Absolutists

(above: don't you hate it when a wild snorlax doubles up as a bouncer and doesn't let you in the pokedisco and calls the coppers because he found a bag of pokeE'z in your pokepocket? I know, this happens all the time.)

Dear overrated people (also known as readership),

First of all, I admit I have been slightly absent these days. I thank the hordes of followers who have expressed deep concern about my lack of public creativity by keeping silent and pretending nothing happens and live on as if this blog didn't exist. Thank you, I totally received your message and now I feel prepared to put it into words. YOU WANT MORE WELSH FILTH, SONS OF AN UNCLE!!!!

Oh, yes! I love you followers and I know that deep into your stone cold heart you want to have a dirty and impregnated one-night stand with me. Since I am a man who has literally sailed the seven seas and in every harbour there was a brothel awaiting for me ashore, I would recommend you to forget the one-night stand and focus on my written work, for my mast looks like it suffers from woodworm, wench (arrrr)!

Today's article, ladies, gentlemen and ambiguous yet human beings after all, deals with the deep and touching subject of laziness. Because being lazy is not one's problem but everyone else's. The human being has been designed to do as little as possible whilst other sorts of beings like the foreign being do all the work for us, the Brits. That is why many extraordinary things such as slavery, absolute monarchies, xenophobia and Frankie Boyle were invented by Britons - to keep foreign beings or working-class beings segregated from human beings and allow the latter not to do anything exhausting (exhausting=more than 18 steps).

However, some human beings back in the day felt sorry about the other beings around their kitchens and 900-acre gardens and regrettably introduced what they called 'democratic principles' to this place. These 'democratic principles' came from Greece. Indeed, the place surrounding Zante and Faliraki. The introduction of these ideas made us human beings be equalled by the rest of beings and, as a consequence, made us work as hard as they used to do.

This unfortunate inconvenience in human being history resulted into the loss of human nature and its predisposition to remain lazy all throughout one's life. I myself, as a half human being, miss lying down on the sofa whilst some foreign beings were fanning me with massive palm tree leaves, reading the Sun -and by 'reading' I mean having a cheeky love affair over Page 3- or stoning to death pupils at Hogwarts on witchcraft charges, etc.

But now... now everything has changed because of 'democracy. You are not allowed to own slaves anymore because ' we are all the same now'. You are not allowed to read the Sun anymore because 'I am superior than a Cockney cab driver'. And, worst of all, you are not allowed to stone to death pupils at Hogwarts on witchcraft charges anymore because 'neither Hogwarts nor its pupils exist and what I was actually doing was to throw faeces at Conservative MPs high on crack whilst shouting 'Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, out, out, out''.

In a nutshell, democracy is bad for human beings as a whole. This is why from now on I am going to campaign against 'democratic ideas' and try reestablish an absolute monarchy, a flawless system where everything works perfectly alright for human beings -unless the Black Death strikes Britain again and messes it up-.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'I have a very funny story involving faeces and monarchy: I once threw, AS A JOKE, my poo-poo at Prince Harry because he was ginger. He didn't quite join in the giggles and he punched me in the stomach. End of story.'