Demagogy for Dummies

(above: he wanted to keep his identity unknown, but he asked for an anonymising line that matched his -horrible- glasses)

First of all, dear readers: Merry Christmas, you thick!

Since we're really close to a new year and a new decade, I've decided to carry out some changes in my life*. One of those is changing my personality. I don't know, I think that my personality in the nineties (90s) and in the noughties (00s) has been really un-rock-star-ish. That's why my personality during this brand-new decade will be more rock-star-ish, i.e.: more similar to a rock star personality.

To get started I'll write my first rock-star demagogic speech:

'Oi! You [insert your city name here]! You are the most rocking city in [insert your area/country/shire/neighbourhood here]! This war is entirely our fault! We throw those bombs! Mind the environment, you polluters in the Army! Al Gore is God! Microsoft is Evil! Own a wind farm! We are destroying Africa with our pollution! Put large amounts of currency into my NGO's bank account, this will be helpful for this planet somehow! GEORGE-BUSH-BARACK-OBAMA, YOU DON'T MAKE ME GO BANANA!'

Mmmh... I reckon I'll stay with my current personality. Being a rock star is very demanding: setting up NGOs, helping charities, taking drugs, shagging groupies, pub brawls, swearing...

I think I'll forget about being a rock star and start writing and playing some music instead.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "I used to be in a punk band in the early 80s. It was called Following the Law. Our first single was 'Obey The Rules, It's Worth It'. The first lines were: 'Obey the rules, it's worth it/ Get a job, you lazy youngster!/ Maggie is right, mines should close down!...' Good old times."  

*: Next person who says 'Things change like people' will get some dents on his face.

Top 5 last sentences in last dates

(above: tip #1: don't show her your 'My Documents' folder during the first date)

5- 'Keep your crotch off here!'. Tip: Don't fix a Twister game in a date.

4- 'My face is up here!'. Before the date let her know you are eye-crossed. 

3- 'Well, I ate a salad and drank one glass of tap water. You ate 3 lobsters, 2 bottles of champagne and caviar with platinum stuffing. Are you sure we should go halves with the bill?' If you already planned this as your second-to-last date you could reach an agreement. 40%-60% would be a great deal.

 

2- '"I love you, Maria Dolores"? Incidentally, my name is not Maria Dolores but Teresa Maria'. Not many pets are called Maria Dolores, thus is difficult to mend. 

1- 'When you eat ham, is it considered to be cannibalism?' Too subtle. You'd never get that one. 

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "The last sentence I was told in my last date was: 'Why aren't you wearing any clothes from your waist down?'"  

Radio killed the telegram star, and so on

(above: Jose Ramon Nunes from Worstville, OH is an old-fashioned dressed Aryan-Hispanic-Jewish radio star in his state during the late 90s up until the present day. But a new invention threatens his somehow local fame: the odour-radio)  

Sometimes, when I'm not dealing in utterly legal sugar from Colombia or detaching limbs to people with my former Soviet friends as a hobby, I write some scripts for an interview show for the radio. There you go a bit:

(From Nigel Random, interviewer V Carol Oompa-Loompa, Santa Claus' Sleigh Mechanic)

N: Your two sons are wacky, aren’t they?

CO: What do you mean ‘wacky’?

N: Odd.

CO: They’re not odd at all, they’re 2 of them. 

Believe me, that's the most intelligent sketch in the whole programme. The rest of the jokes are about priests and rabbis, penises, Germans embarrassed of their own history, frontal nudity and Yorkshire rapists.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "I once presented a talk show on a radio station but it was cancelled 15 seconds after it went on air. It was called 'I have evil prejudices against any gender, race, creed and nation. Swearing edition'."

New ethnic class in Britain

(above: when coming across that woman you shouldn't drive on: wait for green) 

When I was first arrested by the police because of my lack of English language skills and the embarrassment that would cause showing my passport*, I was given a form to fill in.

In this form there was a section called 'Ethnicity', in which I had to tick, as a Spaniard, 'Black Caribbean: Spanish'. But I found out that there was missing option that represents approximately such a significative part of British population: 'Orange British'.

I don't want to sound racist, but I will. Orange British -or Oranggers, in a more racist way- are invading this country. They are even more each year. They are taking our places in the beach and our shelves in cosmetic product corridors.

Remember: when an Orange British is approaching DUCK AND COVER.

*: Ignoring that I fell by chance onto an elderly woman back with a sharp 12-inch knife, that's racism.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Nick Griffin is an orangger"

 

This is history!

(above: Gazza has a strong opinion on Americans)

That's the news, Ladies and Gentlemen. As an odd passport holder, I forgive you Brits! Never mind Gibraltar. Never mind the Anglo-Spanish war (1585-1604). Never mind Jonathan Woodgate.

Now it's time to keep together. This week's most relevant news is that by 2010 British Airways and Iberia (a Spanish company which owns some planes, even though in some summers we don't want to use them... can't be bothered) will merge to become one single company. BA will own 55% and Iberia 45% of shares. This means that you (we) British rule. Ipso facto, Iberia planes will have to fly on the left side of the air.

Fair enough. But now, our aim is beat those Americans. Now they think they're better than us. Of course, they've discovered large amounts water up there somewhere in the outer space. It doesn't impress me at all: if you go to Costa Brava, there's plenty of it as well and we discovered it in the late 60's.

But if they wanted to beat anyone, they've chosen the wrong enemy. Iberia has been working on a top secret project, and yet now Iberia will work hand in hand with British Airways we can reveal it. Iberia has been working on a rocket to beat the Americans. We are sending that rocket to the sun. But we won't get burnt, we're not fool. We're sending it at night.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Is being dragged off from a pub considered as a journey?" 

Getting employed in the media (or elsewhere, especially the media)

(above: A deep discussion about the Moral Imperative theory by Immanuel Kant in the university library. That's why the graduate on the left-hand side covers her mouth)

(Inside an office there is a job interview going on between a TV producer and a graduate)

TV PRODUCER: ... thank you Mr Graduate, that's been the interview. We'll try to keep in touch. Any questions?

GRADUATE: Yes, I've got one. What other ways are there to get a job in your TV? I'm not quite sure about my chances of getting in...

TV PRODUCER: Mmmh... you could have attended a 1-year training course on journalism or have worked on a local TV or radio station to gain experience in this field. But I must say that the way you tried is probably the best one to get in, even though most of your 'rivals' for the post did it as well. However, you are good. There's no doubt about it.

(SILENCE) 

TV PRODUCER: Emh... can you now help me pull my trousers up? I'm getting old for this kind of job...

That's what's called 'Networking'.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Wonder why I dropped out university and I got that same job in another TV..."

PS: This blog's crew (The Spanish One, The Welsh Patient and the monkey-scriptwriter who dated Madonna and claims to have seen UFOs) would like to apologise for this post. We are fully aware that we haven't even mentioned the position of the actors in the stage. You naughty readers!

Fortnightly advice

(above: One person appearing in this photo told the other he has got loads of money. Guess who.)

Dear weak-minded and morally ambiguous readers,

Do you feel yourself just as a mean person on Earth? Are you unhappy with your life? No? Well, you should. There are hundreds (even tens) of people who are blatantly happier than you.

This blog, like the BBC, has got two main aims: take over the world and educate and entertain its audience.

Today, we are pointing out the second one. Every fortnight this blog's crew (i.e.: I myself, the Welsh Paitent -currently on a trip to foreign city of Bristol- and the monkey-scriptwriter who converted to Buddhism and got an IQ score of 145) will try to keep you readers such happy people in your pitiful lives. 

This fortnight's advice only consists a word of 3 letters: lie.

If you follow my advice, your life will improve in the short term. You can choose your life as you never imagined before. You can be whoever you always wanted to be. 

However, you will find (annoying and obnoxious) people who will keep telling you are doing the wrong thing by lying. When this happens, just tell them to lend you some money to invest in shares because you know the CEO of a very important company. If he agrees to give you the money, spend it in alcohol -or equivalent-. If in a month time he asks you how is his money going, show him fake graphics pointing up and tell him that still is not the time to take it out because the credit crunch is almost over.

Believe us, Wall Street works like this... 

No, I was lying. But follow my advice.

Blog Crew.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "I followed this advice and then I invented Facebook, I wrote Wuthering Heights and I promised a tax rates decrease in general election"