Smells like teen cells dying out

(above: and now, a bit of jim morrison's magnificent poetry. 'roses are purple. violets are orange. shit, I'm colourblind...')

Dear sufferers of this terrible mental condition called having 20/20 vision and having to wear glasses,

God knows, and South Wales Police by extension, that I like to hang around local primary schools and colleges in a trench coat and give my business cards away to the underage children of this very Celtic nation. My purpose is to convince those children to add me on Facebook (please) so I can carry out a sociological study about online habits amongst children aged 7-17. At least that's what I said in court.

Regardless of the actuality of this study, I drew some conclusions around this issue and I would like to discuss one them with you readers. This one I am talking about is one of the most certain and empirical of all I drew and reads as follows: Western kids are going to burn in hell and foreigners are taking our jobs and our women. But let us just focus on the first bit.

We all, more or less, have got a rough idea of what hell is - if not, we've all been in Magaluf. Well, imagine a world where everyone speaks rotten (American) English and is an irreversible victim of passive-aggressive behaviour. In case you don't know, passive-aggressive behaviour is the one that is produced by personal insecurity and manifests itself through being late, sulking, victimising and becoming a Liberal Democrat.

Children, stop bursting the pimples on your face and listen to me. Now I'm going to list 4 ways NOT to get a partner, which seems to be your major concern right now, and NOT to burn in hell along with Hitler, Stalin and JFK:

1- 'Liking' Facebook groups with spelling mistakes on their titles which can make you go blind (forget w***ing, this is far worse) in order to indirectly let someone else know what you are thinking about at the moment.

2- Quoting people whom you only read their Wikipedia articles, i.e.: Kurt Cobain, Mahatma Gandhi, Jim Morrison, John Lennon or Jimi Hendrix (yes, you should spell his name as such).

3- Display your knowledge of the lyrics in 'Smells like teen spirit', 'Wonderwall', 'Stairway to heaven', 'Bittersweet symphony' and 'Imagine'.

4- Using Justin Bieber or similar disgraces who live far far away from where you live as an excuse to avoid closer problems of yours, i.e.: your musical ignorance, your GCSEs or boys/girls paying not enough/too much attention to you.

You are welcome. Don't say anything, just stop sending me invitations to Mafia Wars (please).

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'If any day I decide to leave this world, remember me as a hurricane Irene survivor. Never forget (that I was spending the weekend in Aberystwyth).'

ICELAND rhymes with arrogand

(above: the Icelandic tourism board - from Iceland - is going to use this appealing slogan for the next tourism season: 'it's fine. we didn't want you tourists to come anyway. we've got enough food and drink. we don't need your sympathy. b***** off!')

Iceland has hit the front pages of all newspapers, magazines and some Argos catalogues once again because of its volcanic activity. Though in this case, it has been another volcano the one that has erupted and interrupted the air traffic. As many geologists have stated: 'Eyjafjallajökull is sooo 2010, Grimsvotn is the new must have for this season'. However, this is not my point. Can't you see it? Iceland is a clear example of attention seeking. Iceland is trying to make all Europe turn their heads towards them by, literally, crying and throwing up all over. In short, they are displaying their ability to be annoying to the rest of the continent because no one gives a damn about them. And that's got a name: arrogance.

It is fair to say this is not my idea but an ancient Greek philosopher's I once met (he actually was an old man running a kebab shop in Zante). When I met that wise man he told me: 'I'll tell you what, Icelanders are a piece of s*** compared to the Scottish'. As soon he said this, he disappeared in a deep and creepy laughter. I was genuinely scared. But then he came back with some pitta bread and expanded on his unclear idea: 'It's 2.20 euros, mate'.

I paid no heed to what kebab man taught me that day until the April when the previous volcano erupted. What happened then was that my flight was cancelled, so were many others, and I had to stay in the airport for several days. So what I did in my spare time there was to chat with the Icelanders and try to get a most accurate picture of their arrogance. I will never forget what happened in one of those conversations with Icelanders. It showed me that even the Icelanders you don't expect to be as much arrogant as others can be even more than the rest.

(I: Icelander W: 'we' as in 'we are most amused')

W: Excuse me, are you from Iceland?

I: Yes, where are you from?

W: Nah, you wouldn't know...

I: OK. Do you want some Icelandic biscuits?

W: No, thank you. I find any product from your land repulsive.

I: Fair enough. Is that what you say? 'Fair enough'...?

W: Yeah, whatever. Where about in Iceland are you from?

I: North.

W: Oh, thank God. You are a good Icelander, then?

I:...

W: Oh, yes, we know you lot are trustworthy. I was going to ask, can you do me a favour? Would you mind taking this parcel to my cousin who lives in Iceland?

I: Yes, sure. What's in the parcel?

W: Things. Thingy, thingy, things, things... you'd better not ask.

I: Yeah, OK. Where about in north Iceland does your cousin live?

W: Belfast.

I: I'm sorry, man. But that's not in north Iceland but in Northern Iceland.

W: Yes, and you can take it there and give it to my cousin.

I: But it's not the same country.

W: But you can go to Belfast and give this parcel to my cousin...

I: BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME COUNTRY!!

My heart shattered to pieces. I didn't expect anyone from the north of Iceland to be THAT arrogant with me, after all I thought we were brothers... I only have one word for that: ARROGANCE.

One last thing to Iceland. Iceland: less volcanos and more leprechauns.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'My cousin lived in Abbottabad for 5 years. He told me the Bin Ladens were a nice bunch - they even took care of his cat when he went on holidays to Port Talbot.'

Top 5 statements during the student riots at Millibank Tower

(above: 'I say, let me go. I have got a seminar on Baroque Art in half an hour. Oh, blind me, this is rather inconvenient, I say.')

The riots perpetrated by students at the Conservative Campaign Headquarters in Millibank Tower, London will make international news for sure. And we all know how international journalists are: 'I might be French and my armpit smells wrong but Brits are slightly worse than us', 'I am Italian and I shag underage girls but Brits are not as good as they used to be' or 'We the Spanish are a bit promiscuous, ignorant, loud, lazy arses... I forgot, what was the point again?' are going to be the headlines tomorrow in these various countries.

On the other hand, though, they will miss the whole point of it: the memorable quotes put forward by university students, the intellectual elite of the country of God, during that riot:

5- "It is so UNFAIR!" (He should be appointed as the president of the Debate Society in his university)

4- "Fascist-a pigs-a! My-a money-a!" (This student comes from a countryside region where there is loads of far-right swine... Italy?)

3- "Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Out, out, out!" (This one is a miner from Doncaster who has been frozen for 25 years)

2- "And then I chundered everywhere" (Crates of Stella Artois are more of a priority than tuition fees. Obv.)

1- "Please, would you kindly leave the premises? These antics are despicable and POINTLESS." (Indeed. He is an Oxbridge student)

BONUS: "WHY DON'T YOU GO A FEW YARDS FURTHER THERE WHERE THERE ARE MANY MORE PEOPLE MARCHING PEACEFULLY?" (Real student to Sky News)

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Sticks and stones may break bones, but students break party headquarters"

Björk-Al-Qaida connection

(above: visible singer dressed in invisible clothes during a meeting at the office of his invisible manager discussing her next record deal, 130x80cm, b/w, google images (c))

There are only two things that really piss me off: people who hate foreigners and Icelanders. Today I'm going to deal with the latter. What has Iceland given to us? Let's check our mental Wikipedia. Let's see... mhhh. Cod? Gudjohnsen? Björk?

Who needs cod?-- well, I do. A fish and chips without a cod fillet is nothing. But who needs Gudjohnsen?-- Probably his wife and his mother. They need to feel his presence, too (not football, definitely). But who needs Björk? Relatives? Don't think so, her parents were a couple of beatniks. Music? Are you serious? Cinema? She and her worst enemy Dogma-bollocks Lars von Trier should be locked at Universal Studios Theme Park in Orlando (FL) and experience what commercial and therefore proper cinema really is.

Alright. Once set that we don't hate everything that comes from Iceland but Björk and making my first statement just pretentious and an easy plagiarised joke from Austin Powers 3: Goldmember, me, as a top international affairs analyst, 'is' going to link the first thing we fear from Iceland and the first thing Westeners fear: Al-Qaida.

*ALERT: if you have read the news lately you already know what I'm going to talk about. so go and enjoy this lovely weather outside and chase squirrels in the park or even better, poke with a stick any random corpse you might find anywhere if you live in a council house. and if you're single or sommin you should just type in another sort of website rather than a blog, don't you think so?*

The link is easy. Apart from Björk, what else do we hate that would come from Iceland? Volcano ash -read the news, mate!-. What has this ash done to faithless Europe? Collapse the main airports in idem. Who else tried so? Al-Qaida. Therefore, Björk has links with the radical Islamic organisation and she wants to exterminate Western culture, in such case culturally.

We need to take action on this: re-open Guantánamo Bay detention camp as a detention camp for culture terrorists. More pop singers and less underage innocent prisoners is my main message.

Next week's witch hunt: Comrade Cyrus?

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'Go Clegg for PM! Didn't you want the silly weekly statement?'

Demagogy for Dummies (II)

(above: Omar Pedro Gimenes was once the governor of Idaho. weeks after he had the charge, he was accused of raping young ladies in a blue '76 Chevy van. evidences? just the glasses he wore and that...)

Get ready for another dose of demagogy for dummies -Superfluity? Maybe-. Today, we're dealing with politicians. Indeed, politicians, the ones who use the rhetoric power of language to persuade masses the most.

However, I'm not having a go with them today but with the 98% of the population who are more than qualified to be political commentators on the BBC even though, due to unexplainable reasons, they can't make it to our public broadcaster. Instead, we might find them in pubs, bus stops, council houses or even newsagent's -most likely because the idea of working at a commercial TV station doesn't appeal too much to them-.

These political commentators use, in general, these sentences as follows:

- 'They're all lazybums' (yep, you drinking pints of lager on a couch is reactivating economy, thank you for that!)

- 'That's what our taxes are for, then?' (usually used when one trips over the pavement and falls ridiculously onto the floor, or similar)

- 'I see, first foreigners and then us. (Whispering) They invading us!' (Easy, a friend of mine can provide you a Bangladeshi passport. you might get it half price if you buy a Sri Lankan. But shush, this may be a bit dodgy to say out loud)

Eventually, they end up with a:

- 'If I wuz oop 'ver...' (usually this sentence remains unfinished. when finished, not really often it's followed by a political programme).

Sometimes, recent situations that went through the news commonly generate new sentences. The not long past plane crash involving the Polish government in Russia have created a series of hardcore versions of the previous:

- 'Dunno why Poles still cry plane thing and that. I wish it had happened in my country...' (probably, the worst excuse to open a bottle of champagne)

- 'The Russians! They never learn! WW3!' (utterly real following to this: 'I, (name), can't die without living a World War')

In short, listen to those people, for they own the country's wisdom and they shall rule us all if they claim to do so. But please, one at a time.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'I myself know loads of politicians. They're really nice and care about social minorities. Last week I went to a döner-kebab shop for a health and safety check with a friend of mine who is a politician and told them to give a little change -£3,000- to help a poor Pakistani man called Mr. Bribe about to close down his business or so.'

Ice, ice, baby!

(above: indeed, I hate 90% of stuff related with ice. The remaining 10% is that film called Ice Wide Shut by Stanley Kubrick.) 

Today's post contains certain amounts of social critique, witty comments and Victorian literature as well as -in larger amounts- demagogy, swearwords, explicit references to drugs, flashing lights and X-Factor jury.

According to BBC News: 'Snoooooooow!!!! Yeeepee!!!! Afghanistan? What you on about? IT'SNOOOOOOWIN!'

However, this snow has turned into ice due to some climatic factors I do ignore and, therefore, now walking down the street has turned into a dead-or-alive matter. I myself have been close to death today several times as a consequence of the slippery surface of the pavement.

This is why today I have come across my life in photos several times, too. Nevertheless, since I belong to a Facebook-junkie generation , my life was composed such as a Facebook photo album where there were comments on photos I uploaded or I was tagged throughout the years. My most relevant pre-death mental Facebook photo album comments were the following.

- 'Mufasaaaaaa!' (At a pic of me crying while watching The Lion King)

- 'me mum says i aint fat, i'm strong and ave thick bones' (At a pic of me & my friends when I was a pre-teenager and a bit overfed).

- 'this is soo oonfair. i hate ya!' (At a pic of me & my parents when my face looked like a pizza with extra pepperoni)

- 'hehe.i'm moe.LOL' (At a pic of me tagged at a random face of a Simpsons character).

- 'charlie's angels!!! LMAO' (At a pic of me and my ambiguous friends before discovering our actual sexuality).

- 'ya biatch! just let u know mine is average size! c***!' (At a pic of me & my ex-girlfriend).

- 'thats not me...' (At a pic of me tagged in a very similar face to mine but obviously he's not me).

- 'hehe. i'm apu. LOL' (At a pic of me tagged at another random face of a Simpsons character added by another friend of mine).

 

This horrible experience made me think seriously about life, as a result I came up with a metaphor that sums all my ponderation up: life is like a window, when there is a lot of light you roll down the blinds just unlike your dreams, which are like milk because the cow... what a sh**e of a metaphor. Anyway, forget that. I've never been good at poetry -suffering from tuberculosis at 25 have never turned me on as a lifestyle-.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "I once was an important businessman. I set up a company that manufactured best-selling ice cream flavours all around the world and Warwickshire. Some of our best-known flavours were human poo ice cream and milkman ice cream. Not to mention our delicatessen: chartered accountant ice cream. Caprice de dieux, which in French means, Crap ice of two (ice cream balls, obviously)". 

This is history!

(above: Gazza has a strong opinion on Americans)

That's the news, Ladies and Gentlemen. As an odd passport holder, I forgive you Brits! Never mind Gibraltar. Never mind the Anglo-Spanish war (1585-1604). Never mind Jonathan Woodgate.

Now it's time to keep together. This week's most relevant news is that by 2010 British Airways and Iberia (a Spanish company which owns some planes, even though in some summers we don't want to use them... can't be bothered) will merge to become one single company. BA will own 55% and Iberia 45% of shares. This means that you (we) British rule. Ipso facto, Iberia planes will have to fly on the left side of the air.

Fair enough. But now, our aim is beat those Americans. Now they think they're better than us. Of course, they've discovered large amounts water up there somewhere in the outer space. It doesn't impress me at all: if you go to Costa Brava, there's plenty of it as well and we discovered it in the late 60's.

But if they wanted to beat anyone, they've chosen the wrong enemy. Iberia has been working on a top secret project, and yet now Iberia will work hand in hand with British Airways we can reveal it. Iberia has been working on a rocket to beat the Americans. We are sending that rocket to the sun. But we won't get burnt, we're not fool. We're sending it at night.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Is being dragged off from a pub considered as a journey?"