Top 5 rejection reasons from the opposite sex -female-.

(above: 'What do you mean by that? 'Maybe'?')

To the last girl that has rejected me, who unfortunately for her family and relatives, is still among us.

*HARDCORE BITTERNESS COMBINED WITH DARK HUMOUR ALERT* (too late. Shame...)

Being rejected by anyone from the opposite sex is always hard to get over due to reasons that are plentiful in abstract nouns I don't understand. However, like Jean-Baptiste Lamarck stated: 'the over-function of an organ makes an improved new organ to balance it out'. What's my point in that, then? My point in there is that one has been so many times rejected that now I don't appreciate the bitterness of rejection anymore but the originality in the reasons of rejection.

This is why my last experience was so bad: she didn't give any reasons at all. Probably, she might work as a magician: 'Alright, trust me. There was no rabbit in the hat before. You have such a tiny brain to understand it. Trust me anyway'.

And now, the best reasons. There we go. T-T-T-TOP 5, BRIIIIING IT ON!

'I'm rejecting you because...'

5- '... you were listening to Ricky Martin'. Unintentional but fair.

4- '... yesterday I saw you in front of a day-care centre naked from the waist down and wearing a kaki-coloured trench coat claiming you had some sweets for my 4-year-old brother. Stay away from me'. Such a superficial interpretation of what I actually did. Read between the lines...

3- '... you have a protection from harassment order of a mile'. It was my second go. By the way, a mile is 52 mm, isn't it?

2- '... I'm a man'. 2 lessons from that: always wear glasses or lenses and women's clothing doesn't assure you a woman in there. It's also known as the 'Kinder Surprise effect': you unwrap it and there is a present waiting for you to be assembled.

1- '... now my husband is an MP'. Adaptation from Quim Monzó, 2010.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: 'I myself have never been rejected by anybody. Every time anyone wants to tell me his opinion on me I shout before 'I don't like you! I'm leaving you!' just in case.

Top 5 quotes that traumatised a fat but nevertheless tall teenager

(above: "... and this is how little rhinos are born, my son." "was it utterly necessary to be THIS graphic, dad?" "was it utterly necessary to hide a recording camera inside the trough, my son?") 

"I've got a lot of friends in Facebook. I've got fewer acquaintances. And I've got even fewer friends. Therefore being a friend of mine is very exclusive."

This quote, which sounds like a Hindu thinker's or a 8-year-old girl's, is mine. Looks nice, innit? The thing is that you have to be consequent with your own quotes with small improvements each day. This is why, at the end of this post I myself will make being a friend of mine a bit more exclusive.

The other day -usually, when somebody starts an idea like this, is sheer deception- I was talking to a friend of mine -usually, when somebody refers to 'a friend of mine' with any further details, is just himself hiding from a very likely future humiliation- who used to be fatter and taller than usual during our teenagehood and he told me a lot of secrets concerning this traumatising stage of his life. As my purpose in this post is having less friends, I'm going to tell the most shocking quotes he received in a now-usual-in-this-blog-and-copyrighted Top 5 (c) way.

5- 'The bee flew to a flower, it stung the flower and then you were born' (This far from scientifically valid metaphor and Internet made him understand the whole idea).

4- 'You're so tall that when you eat a yogurt and it reaches the stomach it's already gone off' (He told me afterwards: 'The one who said this was so short that he ate my processed food, that is to say, poo made out of rotten yogurt. Not as subtle but at least he doesn't get as many nutrients as I did eating yogurt').

3- 'You're so fat that... YOU FAT COW!' (At this point, you could notice the one who said this was creatively running out of innovative ideas. He now is a successful Hollywood scriptwriter).

2- 'Hey, class! Look at him! He's got boobs!' (Never asked him what exactly was a Physical Education teacher doing inside a changing room full of underage boys).

1- 'Where's your girlfriend? What? You still don't have one. I see. (...) Boy, be honest with me... do you like Village People?' (His mother just wanted to make sure his son is enjoying those drama lessons).

Done. Now being a friend of mine is even more exclusive.

THE WELSH PATIENT: "My most traumatising sentence was when I was 17 with my father in Thailand. He said: 'Son, he is a man'."

Top 5 last sentences in last dates

(above: tip #1: don't show her your 'My Documents' folder during the first date)

5- 'Keep your crotch off here!'. Tip: Don't fix a Twister game in a date.

4- 'My face is up here!'. Before the date let her know you are eye-crossed. 

3- 'Well, I ate a salad and drank one glass of tap water. You ate 3 lobsters, 2 bottles of champagne and caviar with platinum stuffing. Are you sure we should go halves with the bill?' If you already planned this as your second-to-last date you could reach an agreement. 40%-60% would be a great deal.

 

2- '"I love you, Maria Dolores"? Incidentally, my name is not Maria Dolores but Teresa Maria'. Not many pets are called Maria Dolores, thus is difficult to mend. 

1- 'When you eat ham, is it considered to be cannibalism?' Too subtle. You'd never get that one. 

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "The last sentence I was told in my last date was: 'Why aren't you wearing any clothes from your waist down?'"  

Top 5 sentences you MUST say to a German of the opposite sex (or if you are homosexual... you know what I mean)

(above: Such big... jugs? Oh, you're drinking beer as well!)

*MALE CHAUVINISM ALERT* (cr*p! just wrote it too late!)

Everyone knows that flirting with foreign people is really demanding. You have to know loads and loads of factors when approaching a man (if you are a woman or a male homosexual or a man who has suffered several surgery operations) or a woman (if you are the rest of people not noted before) from a foreign country.

In this blog, we (me and my monkey-scriptwriter who smokes big amounts of cigarettes and speaks French) are very concerned with main needs of living beings, i.e.: being born, growing, reproducing and dying.

Today, we are dealing with the third one. To do so, we are giving out 5 quotes you MUST say when facing a German (which as we all know, are from Germany) to break the ice.

5. "Hi, I'm Abraham! NO, don't put me into a gas chamber!" 'Abraham' can be swapped for 'Chartered accountant' or 'Harry Potter'

4. "Der wer zwei peanuts valking down the strasse, und denn von vas assaulted... peanut. Ho! Ho! Ho!" (c) 1969 Monty Python's Flying Circus

3. "I had a house in Berlin: it had 5 walls." That used to be top 1 before 1989. 

2. "Ich bin ein fauler Hodensack." Literal translation: "I'm in love with you, darling"

1. "Do you want to see a proper Bratwurst?". This sentence is only applicable to men and/or special women.

If you can't get it done with those tips then you are a racist, have prejudice towards foreigners and stereotype nationalities.

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "In Barcelona that's easier: just give her a tenner"

Top 5 things I have been told because of my odd passport

(above: that's what you call in Latin Anus Horribilis)

The audience is wondering 'Why only 5?'. The answer is pretty easy: I don't want to be sued by David Letterman -mostly now when he is being a bit 'courted' (get the pun? no? then it's my fault)-.

5. "Are you Spanish? Seriously? Your skin is white..."

4. " - Where about in Spain then?

      - Girona?

      - ...

      - Barcelona?

      - ...

      - Lloret de Mar?

      - Awww! I see. Cool.

    - Well, some people think that Catalonia (the region (?) where I live) is not Spain. That comes from centuries ago when...

      - Oi! I got it. Alright? Don't mess with it."

3. "I loooooove paella". You mean you want me to cook you some? Or you wanted to say 'you' instead of 'paella'? If second, there you go my phone number.

2. "How would you say in Spanish 'At what time arrives the train?'". I swear that happened. It was this morning in Cardiff City Centre. It's OK if you ask me for that if you are close to a train station in Spain or in Central and South America, not if you are in a crowded high street and trying to explain you are an ecologist from Friends of the Earth.

1. "HAHAHA! No. Now seriously. Where are you from?"

THE WELSH PATIENT says: "Do you want some leeks?"